Five months into marriage, I was already accusing my husband of not being romantic enough. I was doing it by way of hinting–widening my eyes, pointing out romantic gestures of others, or even pointing right at the flowers I thought were the prettiest.
Like that one time we were in the grocery store, the one called Aldi. I’ve heard they’re popping up in the USA too, though I’ve only ever been to the original German ones. Anyways, if you’ve ever been to one, you probably know they have ridiculous deals.
As we were checking out I pointed out the bundles of flowers which were marked for mere pennies. He got this look on his face as if a lightbulb had literally turned on over his head, and said, “Oh I’ll get you some!”
Now, I don’t know about other girls as a whole, but I know at least some of you are with me on this. One of the most romantic things a guy could ever do is surprise me. Obviously it has to be with something I like, but even the odds of me liking it are increased by the element of surprise.
So I asked him, “Remember all the times you came here without me and walked right past them? I don’t want you buying them for me because I said I wanted them. How unromantic!”
Let’s just overlook the fact for now that he had, in fact, been doing most of the grocery shopping prior to this grocery trip and for many times after it thanks to my illness at the time and how expensive the dang train trip to town is.
So he agreed to wait, and sure enough the time after next when he went to buy groceries, he brought me home flowers from Aldi.
Is that how you do it? Married life, I mean? I’m kind of new at this.
It’s become a sort of bad word to me. Expectations. At this point in my life it even feels like it carries with it a certain level of profanity when I say it.
I am definitely new at this being married thing, but one thing I see right off the bat, is that the sooner I can let go of my expectations, especially for so called “romance”, the better.
First off, how can someone surprise you, when you’re expecting it? And how can a gift be a gift, if deep down you believe it was yours to begin with?
And more importantly, what if you’re so busy imagining what romance should look like that you miss his efforts to romance you in his own special way?
Ber, my husband, was very involved in planning our wedding. In choosing a caterer, I more or less left it up to him. He could read the Hungarian menus, and also, he could tell me what would be the more “Hungarian” choice of entries. I remember we did discuss at several points, after choosing our caterer, which package to go with. One of them included a lemonade bar which caught my eye right away. It was the more expensive option so I conceded that naturally it was possible to get married without lemonade at the after party. (Meanwhile he really struggled to understand why lemonade belongs at a wedding at all. Cultural differences, I tell ya.)
After three and a half years of dating, I knew my guy wasn’t that into surprises. But that fact alone ironically made it even better of a surprise to see that lemonade bar sitting there on our special day. It was an even sweeter taste in my mouth and a more precious of a memory watching all our guests enjoying unlimited lemonade.
Now the only question is, why didn’t the memory of the lemonade keep me from ever doubting his abilities to romance me? I wish I knew. But maybe it has something to do with the tendency for expectations to be formed based on past behaviours. In other words, maybe I’m just spoiled rotten.
So all I’m saying to you gals is, when you wish the guys in your life were more romantic, you’re not alone, but, REMEMBER THE LEMONADE. I bet there’s something he’s done to express his appreciation for you in his own way. If not, I’m really sorry, and I don’t have much advice for you, except that maybe you can direct him my way and I will teach him how to romance you. Just ask my husband.